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George Carlin Quotes

1. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
2. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
3. “Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
4. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
5. “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”
6. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
7. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
8. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
9. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
10. “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”
11. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
12. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
13. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
14. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
15. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
16. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
17. “The bigger the government, the smaller the citizen.”
18. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
19. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
20. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
21. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
22. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
23. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
24. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
25. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
26. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to suggest the unmentionable, and I think it’s the duty of the audience to get over it.”
27. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
28. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
29. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
30. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
31. “Don’t confuse education with schooling. I didn’t go to Harvard, but people who work for me did.”
32. “If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill them.”
33. “If a painting can be forged well enough to fool an expert, then it is a good painting.”
34. “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”
35. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
36. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
37. “If you can’t beat them, join them. Then beat them.”
38. “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.'”
39. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
40. “The only fairytale that’s true is ‘Cinderella.'”
41. “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”
42. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
43. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
44. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
45. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
46. “I don’t have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
47. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
48. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
49. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
50. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
51. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
52. “If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?”
53. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
54. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
55. “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.'”
56. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
57. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
58. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
59. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
60. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
61. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
62. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
63. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
64. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
65. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to suggest the unmentionable, and I think it’s the duty of the audience to get over it.”
66. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
67. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
68. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
69. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
70. “Don’t confuse education with schooling. I didn’t go to Harvard, but people who work for me did.”
71. “If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill them.”
72. “If a painting can be forged well enough to fool an expert, then it is a good painting.”
73. “If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”
74. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
75. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
76. “If you can’t beat them, join them. Then beat them.”
77. “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.'”
78. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
79. “The only fairytale that’s true is ‘Cinderella.'”
80. “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”
81. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
82. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
83. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
84. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
85. “I don’t have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
86. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
87. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
88. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
89. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
90. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
91. “If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?”
92. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
93. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
94. “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.'”
95. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
96. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
97. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
98. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
99. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
100. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

In conclusion, George Carlin’s quotes are thought-provoking, humorous, and often challenge societal norms. His words remind us to question everything, think critically, and not take ourselves too seriously. George Carlin Quotes will always be remembered as a legendary comedian who fearlessly spoke his mind.
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