100 Quotes by George Carlin

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George Carlin Quotes

1. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
2. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
3. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
4. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
5. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
6. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
7. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
8. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
9. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
10. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
11. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
12. “When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
13. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
14. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
15. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
16. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
17. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
18. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
19. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
20. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
21. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That’s not self-help, that’s help!”
22. “You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
23. “When you’re in the hospital, they hook you up to all these machines. They’ve got machines to check your heartbeat, blood pressure, they’ve got a machine to give you an enema. I’m like, ‘What button do you push to get a nurse in here?'”
24. “Someday, the workers will take possession of your city hall, and when we do, no child will be hungry, no person will be homeless. No woman or man will be beaten by someone who claims to love them. And if anyone, anyone tries to flag down the cause of justice, by branding it ‘Communist,’ remember what we say here tonight, we are all comrades.”
25. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
26. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
27. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”
28. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and some sacrifice, I should have damn near enough.”
29. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
30. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
31. “I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
32. “I don’t vote. Two reasons. First of all, it’s meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every four years, pfff, doesn’t mean a fucking thing. And secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know. They say, ‘If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain,’ but where’s the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on Election Day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”
33. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”
34. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
35. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
36. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
37. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
38. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
39. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
40. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
41. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
42. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
43. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
44. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
45. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
46. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That’s not self-help, that’s help!”
47. “You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
48. “When you’re in the hospital, they hook you up to all these machines. They’ve got machines to check your heartbeat, blood pressure, they’ve got a machine to give you an enema. I’m like, ‘What button do you push to get a nurse in here?'”
49. “Someday, the workers will take possession of your city hall, and when we do, no child will be hungry, no person will be homeless. No woman or man will be beaten by someone who claims to love them. And if anyone, anyone tries to flag down the cause of justice, by branding it ‘Communist,’ remember what we say here tonight, we are all comrades.”
50. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
51. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
52. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”
53. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and some sacrifice, I should have damn near enough.”
54. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
55. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
56. “I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
57. “I don’t vote. Two reasons. First of all, it’s meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every four years, pfff, doesn’t mean a fucking thing. And secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know. They say, ‘If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain,’ but where’s the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on Election Day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”
58. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
59. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
60. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
61. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
62. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
63. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
64. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
65. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
66. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
67. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
68. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
69. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
70. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
71. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
72. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That’s not self-help, that’s help!”
73. “You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
74. “When you’re in the hospital, they hook you up to all these machines. They’ve got machines to check your heartbeat, blood pressure, they’ve got a machine to give you an enema. I’m like, ‘What button do you push to get a nurse in here?'”
75. “Someday, the workers will take possession of your city hall, and when we do, no child will be hungry, no person will be homeless. No woman or man will be beaten by someone who claims to love them. And if anyone, anyone tries to flag down the cause of justice, by branding it ‘Communist,’ remember what we say here tonight, we are all comrades.”
76. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
77. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
78. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”
79. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and some sacrifice, I should have damn near enough.”
80. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
81. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
82. “I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
83. “I don’t vote. Two reasons. First of all, it’s meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every four years, pfff, doesn’t mean a fucking thing. And secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know. They say, ‘If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain,’ but where’s the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on Election Day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”
84. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
85. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
86. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
87. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
88. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
89. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
90. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
91. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
92. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
93. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
94. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
95. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
96. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
97. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
98. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That’s not self-help, that’s help!”
99. “You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
100. “When you’re in the hospital, they hook you up to all these machines. They’ve got machines to check your heartbeat, blood pressure, they’ve got a machine to give you an enema. I’m like, ‘What button do you push to get a nurse in here?'”

George Carlin Quotes are known for their sharp wit, social commentary, and ability to challenge conventional thinking. Carlin’s humor often highlighted the absurdity of everyday life, religion, politics, and human behavior. Here are 100 quotes that showcase George Carlin’s unique perspective: