Maybe your dad was never around. Maybe your mom loved you but couldn’t teach you how to handle money, or work, or people. Maybe you grew up and realized nobody ever showed you how to do the things you most wanted to do.
Here’s some hopeful news: you don’t have to stay stuck with what you were given. You can go out and choose the people who will teach you the rest.
Your “Chosen Family” of Teachers
Author Robert Greene calls mentors “surrogate parents.” You can’t pick your mother and father, but you can pick people who give you what they couldn’t. A boss who believes in you. A teacher who sees something in you. An older neighbor who knows how to fix anything and is happy to show you.
In a way, you get to rewrite your own family story. Never had a father figure? You can find someone whose steadiness, kindness or skill you want to grow into, and learn from them.
Greene’s own life is a good example. A high school English teacher taught him how to write, so well that he still hears that teacher’s voice in his head. A college professor became a kind of stand-in dad who showed him what real dedication looked like. Later, a book industry veteran guided him through the business side of publishing his first book. Each one carried him through a different stage of life.
Build a Patchwork, Not a Pedestal
No one person can teach you everything. Even brilliant people have big blind spots. One mentor might be a genius at their craft but terrible at explaining it. Another might be great with people but messy with money.
So don’t look for one perfect hero. Build a patchwork. Learn work habits from one person, patience from another, courage from a third. Think of it like a pie chart of who you want to become: a slice of this person, a slice of that one.
And it’s fine to outgrow a mentor. The person you looked up to at 15 may not be the right guide at 25. Everyone is flawed, and at some point you may see too much of the flaws. That’s not betrayal. It’s growth. Thank them, keep what was good, and find the next teacher you need.
One more thing: you absorb more than ideas from the people you spend time with. You pick up their energy, their attitude, the way they handle setbacks. So choose people whose spirit you want to soak up, not just their skills.
Following Isn’t the Same as Learning
These days it’s tempting to think you can get mentorship from a screen. Follow a few successful people, watch their videos, and you’re set, right?
Not quite. Following someone online takes one click and asks nothing of you. A real mentor relationship takes effort, and a little courage. You have to walk up to an actual person you admire and ask for their help. That’s scary. Plenty of people never do it because they’re afraid of being turned down.
But that fear is part of the point. Asking builds your confidence and your people skills. And sitting across from someone, watching how they work and how they think, teaches you things no video ever will.
Books and online voices still count. You can learn a huge amount from someone you’ve never met. Just don’t let them replace the real people who can see you, correct you and cheer you on.
How to Find Your Mentors
- Start a list. Write down the names of people whose qualities you admire: people you know, people in your field, even people from history. Keep the list and update it over the years. Cross names off when they no longer fit and add new ones as you grow.
- Name what you want from each. Next to every name, write the one quality you want to learn from them. Patience. Craftsmanship. Confidence. Generosity.
- Make sure it feels right. The best mentors are people you connect with both in your head and in your gut. If someone impresses you but you don’t feel at ease around them, they may not be the right fit.
- Ask small. You don’t have to say, “Will you be my mentor?” Ask for one coffee, one piece of advice, or a chance to watch how they work. Small asks are easier to say yes to.
- Show up and make it easy. Be on time, do your homework, and follow through on their advice. Mentors love helping people who actually use what they share.
- Pass it on. Somewhere, someone younger is looking at you the way you look at your mentors. Be that person for them.
Your First Step
Tonight, grab a piece of paper and write down three people whose qualities you’d love to have more of. Next to each name, write the quality. Then pick one of them and think of a small, simple way to reach out this month.
The family you were born into shaped where you started. The mentors you choose can shape where you end up. It’s never too late to go find the teachers you didn’t get.