Somewhere around puberty, your own voice got quieter and everyone else’s got louder.
Your brain craves approval because puberty reorganizes it around social relationships, and that wiring sticks with you into adulthood. The result is that the opinions of others can get so loud that your own preferences are hard to hear.
Neurobiologist Andrew Huberman and author Robert Greene talked about this on the Huberman Lab podcast. Here’s what changes at puberty, how it connects to losing your inner voice, and how to get it back.
What happens to the brain at puberty?
At puberty, the brain goes through a major reorganization, especially in areas tied to social thinking and decision making. A 2006 review by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore and Suparna Choudhury in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, “Development of the adolescent brain: implications for executive function and social cognition,” describes adolescence as a time of considerable development in behavior, cognition, and the brain.
In plain terms, the teenage brain is learning to read other people, weigh their reactions, and plan around them. That’s a necessary skill. It also explains why a single eye-roll from a classmate can feel bigger than a month of encouragement from a parent.
Huberman said on the podcast that puberty is among the most profound transformations the brain undergoes, and that we’re different people before and after it. Hormones rise, and so do the stakes of how others see us.
We change, and the world responds to us differently too. Expectations, responsibilities, and relationships all shift.
Why does approval matter so much in the teen years?
Approval matters more in the teen years because your social world becomes the center of your life, and fitting in feels like survival. Greene says that in the teens it’s all about what your peers are doing and what’s cool.
Before puberty, children usually act on what they like without much self-consciousness. Greene calls this the period of “impulse voices,” small signals of what you love and hate.
After puberty, those signals compete with a new, very loud one: “What will they think of me?”
How does this connect to losing your inner voice?
Your inner voice gets buried when outside opinions from teachers, parents, and peers replace your own preferences as your guide. By the time you pick a career, you may not know what you truly like.
Huberman noted that childhood preferences before puberty are less contaminated by others’ expectations, which is why looking back at them can reveal what’s authentically you. Our guide on why you feel lost in life shows how to dig into that early layer.
How does social media make it worse?
Social media makes it worse by keeping you tuned to what everyone else likes, so you rarely hear what you like. Greene said we’re always attuned to what other people follow, rather than stepping back to ask what we actually enjoy.
The old social circle of 100 people has become a feed of thousands, and comparison never stops. Our posts on why we compare ourselves to others and how to stop doomscrolling cover this in detail.
| Life stage | Loudest voice | What you can do |
|---|---|---|
| Before puberty | Your own likes and dislikes | Remember what you loved |
| Teen years | Peers and what’s cool | Keep 1 interest that’s only yours |
| Young adulthood | Parents, money, practicality | Test real interests in small ways |
| Adulthood with social media | Feeds, trends, comparison | Schedule quiet time with no input |
How can you hear your own voice again?
You can hear your own voice again by creating quiet, reducing outside input, and asking yourself what you like before checking what others like. Here are 5 steps.
- Take 15 quiet minutes a day. No phone, no podcast, no music.
- Ask first, scroll later. Before opening your phone, answer “What do I feel like doing?”
- Keep a “mine” list. Write down 10 things you like that no one asked you to like.
- Notice envy. Envy often points to something you want, not just something others have.
- Share a small, unpopular preference. Practice saying “I actually like this” out loud.
Is craving approval a bad thing?
No, wanting approval is a normal social instinct that helped humans survive in groups, and it only hurts when it overrides your own values. Aim to keep caring what others think while making sure you also care what you think. Picture a 15-year-old who drops a hobby because friends laughed. At 45 that same instinct may keep them quiet in meetings, so noticing the pattern early saves years.
A healthy balance means you can enjoy a compliment without needing it, and you can disagree without panic. If that feels hard, practicing how to build self-belief will help.
Frequently asked questions
Why do teenagers care so much about approval?
During puberty the brain reorganizes around social relationships, and peers become the center of life. Blakemore and Choudhury’s 2006 review describes this as a period of major development in social cognition.
Do adults still crave approval?
Yes. The social wiring built during adolescence continues into adulthood, and social media can amplify the habit of checking what others think.
What are impulse voices?
It’s a term Robert Greene borrows from Abraham Maslow for the small inner signals in childhood that say what you love and hate.
Why does my own opinion feel quiet?
Years of outside voices from teachers, parents, and peers can bury your preferences. Quiet time and a regular practice of checking in with yourself bring them back.
How can I stop caring what people think?
You don’t need to stop completely. Practice stating small preferences, spend time alone each day, and notice when envy points to something you truly want.
Your own voice never left. It’s waiting in the quiet. The universe keeps sending you signs. Get one in your inbox every morning → For a gentle next step, read our guide on how to manifest.