Why failure is so hard to learn from, and how to turn it into progress.
The best way to deal with failure is to expect it, plan for it, and study it on purpose, so it teaches you instead of stopping you. People who reach big goals rarely fail less. They’ve simply learned how to fail well.
David Goggins put it simply on the Huberman Lab podcast. He said he didn’t teach himself victory first. He taught himself how to fail. Here’s the psychology of setbacks, what research shows, and the 5 steps to take after you fail.
Why should you learn to fail before you learn to win?
You should learn to fail first because any big goal comes with many setbacks, and if you can’t handle them, you’ll quit long before you win. Failure skills are the entry ticket to success skills.
Goggins explained his thinking this way. When he was 24, weighed about 300 pounds, couldn’t swim well, and wanted to become a Navy SEAL, he knew the road would be packed with failures. So he prepared for failing before he dreamed about winning. He said that if you sit in failure too long, you never come out of it.
That’s a gentle truth for all of us. If you expect every step to go well, the first setback feels like proof you’re not good enough. If you expect setbacks, each one is simply part of the path.
Takeaway: before you start a big goal, write down the 3 failures most likely to happen and how you’ll respond.
Why is it so hard to learn from failure?
It’s hard to learn from failure because it threatens how we see ourselves, so we tend to look away from it instead of studying it. Our pride protects us, and it costs us the lesson.
In a 2019 set of 5 studies with 1,674 people, published in Psychological Science, Lauren Eskreis-Winkler and Ayelet Fishbach at the University of Chicago found that people learned less from failure feedback than from success feedback, even when both taught the same answer. The reason seemed to be that failure hurt, so people tuned out.
A fair note: a 2025 commentary argued that part of this effect may come from how the test was set up. The finding still matches daily life for most of us, but it’s being debated.
Goggins described the opposite habit. He said he goes to the dark, dusty “cupboards” of his mind first, the painful memories and mistakes, before anything else in his day. That’s a vivid picture of refusing to look away.
Can failure make you more successful in the long run?
Yes, for people who keep going, early failure can lead to better results over time. One large study found this in a very real-world setting.
Yang Wang, Benjamin Jones, and Dashun Wang at Northwestern University studied young scientists applying for major U.S. health research grants. Their 2019 paper in Nature Communications compared people who just barely missed getting funded with people who just barely made it.
The near-miss group was more likely to leave science. But among those who stayed, the near-miss group went on to publish more highly cited work than the narrow winners. The setback seemed to make the people who persisted stronger.
That’s both a warning and a promise. Failure can knock you out if you let it. If you stay in, it can sharpen you.
How do healthy and unhealthy failure responses compare?
Healthy failure responses look at what happened and adjust, while unhealthy ones either avoid the failure or sink into shame. This table shows the difference.
| Response | What it sounds like | What happens next |
|---|---|---|
| Avoiding | “It doesn’t matter, let’s not talk about it” | You miss the lesson and repeat the mistake |
| Shaming | “I’m a failure, I always mess up” | You lose energy and may quit |
| Blaming | “It was all their fault” | You feel better but don’t grow |
| Studying | “What exactly went wrong, and what will I change?” | You improve and try again |
| Self-compassion plus action | “That hurt, I’m human, and here’s my next step” | You try again with more energy |
The last row has strong research behind it. A 2012 study by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen at UC Berkeley, in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that people who met a failed test with self-compassion studied longer for the next one. Kindness after a setback helps you get back up.
What steps should you take after you fail?
After you fail, take 5 steps: feel it briefly, write down what happened, find 1 lesson, talk to yourself like a coach, and try again within 7 days. Here’s how to do each one after any setback.
- Feel it, with a time limit. Give yourself a set window, like 1 evening, to be upset. Feelings are real, and they also pass.
- Write what happened, plainly. 3 to 5 sentences. Just facts, no labels like “stupid” or “hopeless.”
- Find 1 lesson. Ask, “If a friend did this, what would I tell them to change?” Pick the single most useful change.
- Talk to yourself like a coach. Use your name: “Sam, that hurt, and you know what to adjust.” Our guide on inner dialogue explains why this works.
- Try again within 7 days. A quick second attempt keeps the failure from growing into a story about who you are.
What if fear of failing stops you from starting?
That’s a different challenge, and a very common one. Our guide on fear of failure walks you through gentle steps to begin even when you’re scared.
Frequently asked questions
What is the healthiest way to deal with failure?
Feel it for a short time, study what happened without harsh labels, choose 1 thing to change, and try again soon. Research shows self-compassion after failure helps people try harder next time.
Why do some people bounce back from failure faster?
People who bounce back tend to expect setbacks, look at them honestly, and treat themselves with kindness. They see failure as information about what to change, not a verdict on who they are.
Is failure necessary for success?
For most big goals, yes. A 2019 study of young scientists found those who narrowly failed early but kept going later outperformed those who narrowly succeeded.
How did David Goggins deal with failure?
David Goggins said on the Huberman Lab podcast that he taught himself how to fail before he learned how to win, because he knew his goals would bring years of failure first.
How long should you dwell on a failure?
Briefly. Give yourself a set time to feel it, like 1 evening, then move to studying it and planning your next attempt within about a week.
Every failure you study becomes a step you stand on. The universe keeps sending you signs. Get one in your inbox every morning → And to understand the brain side of pushing through hard things, read our guide to the anterior midcingulate cortex.