Wanting a say in your life is normal. Here’s how to use it without crushing anyone, including yourself.
The need for control is a built-in human drive to have some say over your surroundings and the people in them. When it’s ignored or hidden, it tends to leak out sideways as frustration or passive-aggressive behavior, so the healthy move is to understand it and use it well.
Robert Greene, author of The 48 Laws of Power, explained this on the Huberman Lab podcast, and he framed power as something far more basic than domination. Here’s his idea, the science behind it, and 5 healthy ways to use it.
Why do humans need a sense of control?
Humans need a sense of control because feeling powerless over your environment is deeply distressing, and that distress pushes us to act. Greene says every human who has ever lived has this need, and many of us are embarrassed to admit it.
Research agrees that the drive runs deep. In “Born to choose: the origins and value of the need for control” in Trends in Cognitive Sciences (2010), Lauren Leotti, Sheena Iyengar, and Kevin Ochsner reviewed evidence that the desire for control is a basic part of human and animal behavior and matters for well-being.
Think of how it feels to be stuck in traffic, in a rigid job, or in a family tension with no say. That tight feeling is the need for control going unmet.
What is power, really?
Power, in Greene’s definition, is the ability to influence your environment and the people around you in a chosen direction. That could mean encouraging your child to study, asking a partner to treat you better, or moving a team toward a good idea.
He points out that this is a primal need, rooted in the early period when humans had little control over nature and wild animals. Today it shows up with bosses, family, and friends.
It’s easy to hear “power” and think “manipulation.” Greene’s point is that the need exists either way. What changes is whether you meet it honestly and wisely.
What happens when you suppress your need for control?
When you suppress your need for control, it usually comes out indirectly, as passive-aggressive behavior, resentment, or sulking. Greene says that if we’re embarrassed by our desire for power, we end up expressing it in covert ways we can’t manage.
Here’s what that looks like day to day:
- Saying yes while resisting, such as agreeing and then “forgetting.”
- Silent treatment to make someone feel the weight of your displeasure.
- Complaining to others instead of asking the person for what you want.
All three are attempts at influence. They simply happen to be the least effective ones.
Why doesn’t telling people what to do work?
Telling people what to do often fails because people resist being pushed, and they may say yes while resisting inside. Greene gave the example of a son who does the opposite of what his father says.
Pushing creates resentment, and resentment makes people dig in. To genuinely move someone, you need to understand what they want and how they see things.
| Approach | What it looks like | Likely result |
|---|---|---|
| Forcing | “Do this because I said so” | Short-term compliance, long-term resistance |
| Covert tactics | Sulking, hints, guilt | Confusion and damaged trust |
| Understanding first | Listening, then making a clear request | Willing cooperation more often |
| Aligning interests | Showing how the change benefits them too | Lasting buy-in |
How can you use your need for control in a healthy way?
You can use it well by directing it at what you can truly influence, and by influencing people through understanding rather than pressure. Here are 5 ways.
- Name the need. Say to yourself, “I want more say here.” Embarrassment makes it sneaky.
- Sort your worries. Write 2 columns: what you can influence, what you can’t. Spend your energy on the first.
- Ask directly. A clear, kind request beats a hint.
- Learn what the other person wants. Ask 3 real questions before you ask for anything.
- Let go of the rest. Greene notes that complete control would be ugly and that letting circumstances come to you has its place.
A strong sense of influence over your own life also supports identity shifting and the way you manifest. If control worries keep you stuck, stop self-sabotage is a good companion read.
Is it wrong to want power?
No, wanting power is a normal human drive, and it only becomes harmful when it’s used to exploit or deceive others. Greene says most people aren’t “sharks,” meaning they aren’t out to manipulate and dominate, and that the rest of us feel disturbed to discover the invisible games at work.
The healthy path is to be aware of power dynamics without joining the cruelest ones. Use your influence to help people move in a direction that’s good for them and for you.
Frequently asked questions
Why do I have such a strong need for control?
It’s a basic human drive. Research reviewed by Leotti, Iyengar, and Ochsner in 2010 describes the need for control as deeply rooted and important for well-being.
What happens if you suppress your need for control?
It often shows up indirectly as resentment, silent treatment, or passive-aggressive behavior, which tends to be less effective and harms trust.
How does Robert Greene define power?
He defines it as the ability to influence your environment and other people in a chosen direction, rooted in a primal need for some control.
How can I influence people without manipulating them?
Listen to what they want, make a clear request, and show how the change serves both of you. Understanding first leads to more willing cooperation.
Is wanting control a bad thing?
No. It becomes unhealthy when it turns into exploiting or deceiving others, or into trying to control things you cannot.
Release what you can’t control, and put your energy into what you can. The universe keeps sending you signs. Get one in your inbox every morning → For a clear step-by-step path, read our guide on how to manifest.